Time flies…whether you are having fun or not. That is a quote from a greeting card by Mary Englebreit that I have had stuck to my refrigerator for over 30 years. When she asked me what was going to be my epitaph, that quote is what I told my therapist. She said I was cynical. After that, she was no longer my therapist since apparently she couldn’t recognize truth.
Anyway, that saying is just as true now as it was then. And right now, I am not having fun. I actually can’t tell you how I feel as my emotions tumble over each other minute by minute, but I know I am not having fun. I rock violently between anger and tears, sometimes both at the same time. I laugh a bit out of proportion to things I find funny…they are funny, but my laughter is tinged with madness. I slog through my day, unfocused and unreliable. Thank god for sticky notes. My refrigerator now looks as if it were decorated by first graders with only the ugly-colored markers left.
We shall see what tomorrow brings. Perhaps more of the same, perhaps not. Regardless, I will make him proud of me.
Image credit:Belinda Fewings on Unsplash
Caducity 
I think anyone with any sense would be cynical, at least for a while, and that is not a bad thing. Perhaps she might have asked you if you thought you were, instead of sounding like she was making an accusation. Oh, well, you don’t need her anyway because you will work through this in time. I believe it has been established that time is what is required, during which, hour by hour, this process feels like it will never end.
When I think back a few years, I am shocked to realize how many people I’ve known who have lost a spouse, either suddenly or after watching helplessly as this loved one gradually changed and finally succumbed. Both experiences are tragic. The survivors, however, have indeed survived, but have gone through a huge cycle of emotions that don’t always necessarily seem connected to the loss. Although each loss is unique, you are fortunately smart and strong, and you will regain your equilibrium, even though life will not return to its previous routines. In the meantime, no rules apply; don’t expect too much of yourself. Just give yourself time.
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