There are cracks appearing in my veneer, the thin facade I present to the world is being shattered by the emotional turmoil and mental exhaustion inside me. I no longer focus on the good in me or in the world around me. I withdraw from those I love because I don’t want to contaminate them with my negativity, my sorrow, my guilt.
My daily life is becoming consumed by sleep as napping is a socially legitimate escape. Others may wonder why you sleep so much, but they rarely question you about it and don’t wake you up.
My heart is breaking; my mind is breaking. I have no soul as it fled long ago from the too many unanswered questions in my world. I am not suicidal, but sometimes I wish I was. Perhaps an eternal sleep would bring some peace of mind.
I just want to hide. I want to be alone. I want no expectations of me. If I don’t find a way soon then I will simply dissolve and ooze from the cracks.
image credit: Aimee Vogelsang, Unsplash.com
Caducity 
My heart breaks as I read this. You are so loved, and you are so much stronger than you know. Prayers for restful, rejuvenating sleep…as much and as often as you need. Love you forever.
Jude
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It would be so simple to repeat all the cliches that come to mind, but, even if they’re true, they aren’t helpful right now. You already know them and probably have said them to yourself. I wonder, if you were able to talk to some professional person who deals with situations like yours, that might be worthwhile. Many of us can sympathize, but we can’t give solid advice that might make you look at things in a more positive way. For many people, just talking about a situation can be cathartic, especially if the listener guarantees confidentially and may even surprise you with thoughts for a fresh approach.
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The word should be “confidentiality.”
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I actually have spoken to a counselor recently who was one of the family members taking care of his father who has Alzheimer’s. However, coronavirus intervened and paused our one-on-one sessions. Video counseling is just not the same as the spontaneity is not there.
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You are loved more than you know. And you are an amazing friend, wife, grandmother and caregiver.
Try to do whatever you can to get some peace and joy. You are always in my prayers.
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My heart breaks for you. I was going to suggest we all pack a picnic lunch and meet halfway and have lunch. You need a pick-me-up. But now donna is going to have surgery. Maybe we take lunch to her next week?
Barbara Smallwood 918-625-9617 Sent from my iPhone.
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